My Struggle

Every time I look in the mirror, there is a part of me that doesn't like what I see. I look down and I see this pouch. It almost looks like I could be pregnant and starting to show. That really gets to me. Part of the reason is every time I see it, I see the only thing I want in life: to be a mom. It hurts that I can't be there yet, that I don't have my baby girl to make me feel important. Anyways, I just see this pouch. I step on the scale and the numbers seem to keep going up no matter what I try. No mater how much I eat, how much I don't. How much I work out or how much I don't. It never satisfies. The thing that sucks the most is whenever I tell my friends my "happy weight" they get upset. They tell me I'm underweight as it is and think I'm trying to kill myself. I'm not. I want to look good, really good but its so much more. It's a struggle mentally and physically. Whenever I eat I feel sick. My body can't handle the food. Sure it keeps it down but not without taunting me. I lay in bed and cry every night. All of my friends are mad at me about it, even pissed. They think that I won't listen to them, that I'm choosing this but really I don't think I am. Truth is I'm scared to death. I don't know what this is. I don't know if this is a real issue or not. I try seeing what they do but I can't. They won't even try and help me understand which is the thing that hurts so much. All they do is yell which makes it that much worse. What if this is something I don't have anyone to turn to. I don't have anyone who wants to understand and try to help. I'm alone and I'm scared. It's starting to come of as maybe they don't care I honestly can't tell you. All I know is this, I'm not making this up and choosing to be this way. Even as I type this my body is fighting with me trying my hardest not to get sick. Starving doesn't work which is why I wont do it. I eat foods that help you lose weight and less and less if I can. I want the numbers to go down. I need a friend though. Someone to understand this and try to see it as I do. Y'all pushing me away makes it ten times worse. You know I love y'all so much, you're everything to me but I need your help and support on this, not your anger and judgement. So please be here for me.